Self-Advocacy: Because Luck Isn’t Enough
How often do you speak up for yourself? If you’re like me, you may find it easier to speak up for others than it is for your own needs. As women, our society tells us from childhood to be seen and not heard, to not do too much, to not take up so much space. But over the years I’ve learned the importance of making my requests (and demands) known.
A video I saw recently emphasized that point. Actress Amanda Seyfried discussed how she didn’t have the normal accoutrements for the premiere of her movie Mean Girls in 2004. One of her statements really stood out to me: “I slipped through the cracks because I didn’t speak up... I didn’t ever ask for anything because I thought I was in the way.” Here you have a star of (what would become) one of the biggest movies of that year who didn’t get what is considered standard and she was either not comfortable enough or not informed enough to ask for more.
Obviously, this is not just a Hollywood thing. Failure to speak up about our needs and concerns impacts us in all facets of life. Think about it: fear of asking for a raise. Suppressing emotional needs in romantic relationships even though they are not being fulfilled. Silently accepting when our medical concerns are dismissed. Taking on more responsibilities even though we really need some time to ourselves. We sometimes allow outside people and situations to determine our luck, which is an extremely passive approach. Passivity is the antithesis of personal empowerment, so that is not the road we want to take. Instead, let’s focus on self-advocacy.
To advocate simply means to publicly recommend or support. Self-advocacy, then, is the public recommendation and support of yourself and your needs. I love the way The National Deaf Center phrases it: “Self-advocacy is the ability to articulate one’s needs and make informed decisions about the support necessary to meet those needs.”
To be an effective advocate for yourself, there are some key components
Knowing yourself
Knowing what you need
Knowing why you need those things
Knowing how to get what you need
These things obviously build on each other. It is hard to determine anyone’s needs without knowing who they are! You may think you know yourself, but be sure to take time for self-reflection and examination. What are your goals and responsibilities? Where do your strengths lie? What do you struggle with? Asking yourself these questions can be tough, but you cannot decide who and what you want to be if you don’t know who you are right now. Being honest about the things that challenge you is your starting point to determining what you need and helps you articulate why they are necessary. Once that is clear, you will be able to decide the best avenue to make it happen.
So what are some things you can do to be a stronger advocate for yourself? Here are a few of my tips for doing just that.
Keep record and toot your own horn!
People need a reminder of the value you bring—and sometimes you are one of those people! So think about it, what are your achievements? What skills or knowledge have you bolstered? Those things are worth more than just the little feel-good moment you have when you remember them. Track your wins, ask for accolades and kudos to be given in writing, note the steps that you take towards continual improvement. This does two things: one, it boosts your confidence if you struggle with speaking up for yourself; two, it provides evidence to support your request in the event that it’s needed.
Challenge limiting inner thoughts.
Sometimes we tell ourselves no before anyone has the chance to tell us yes. While working on knowing yourself, don’t forget to consider your thought life. If you have a fixed mindset (an outlook of “I’ve never been good at this,” or “that’s just the way things are”) try to move towards a growth mindset (the belief that effort can produce change). A scarcity mindset may lead us to either throw in the towel without asking for what we need or become overly competitive because we feel resources—and the resulting success—are limited. Critical self-talk, whether due to past experiences or the words of others, should be replaced with a positive outlook. After all, our thoughts impact our actions!
Know when to say no—and allow yourself to do so.
Remember that whole taking on too much thing? You don’t do yourself any favors by playing Superwoman. Obviously, there are some responsibilities that we cannot say no to. However, it is imperative that we properly prioritize what we do. Are we super busy because we legitimately have to do all the things? More than likely, we have agreed to do more than we can reasonably handle out of a sense of obligation, wanting to impress others, or not wanting to disappoint. What are your main priorities—the things that contribute to you meeting your goals and having the life you want—and are your activities supporting those priorities? And don’t forget, time to recharge and relax should be a priority. Allow yourself to say no (whether it is “no I cannot do this” or “no not right now”) without guilt. Advocate for your self-care.
Get a support system.
Even though this is self-advocacy, no woman is an island. Make sure you have a team of people who can remind you of how awesome you are, be real with you when issues need to be addressed, encourage you as you go, and be your eyes and ears in other rooms.
Remember that advocacy is on-going.
I wish I could tell you this is a short-term, one-and-done process. But I cannot! You will need to be patient. You must be persistent. You have to remember that impressions matter. Every meeting, phone call or encounter is an opportunity for you to tell your story and advocate for yourself. Any conversation that doesn’t end in a “NO” is a victory because the door is still open for your yes.
Now it’s your turn! I’d love to hear your stories of self-advocacy, tips you may have, or how you plan to start speaking up for your own needs.
I hope this has been helpful. If it has, share it with someone else! And as always, don’t forget to Flourish!